Kennedy Center, War Declarations, A Very Lonely Birthday Party, And A Baffling Red Card: Today's Fake News You Can Trust

The Kennedy Center's board expressed stunned disbelief Friday as workers erected more scaffolding than the Great Wall segment in Jinshanling to remove a name that contains, sources confirmed, twelve letters. A court-ordered deadline had given the building's custodians until Friday to strip the sign. A spokesperson for the board noted the proportionality of the effort was "surprising." The contractor declined comment but was seen measuring the facade with a very long tape measure.

Officials are reportedly rationing formal war declarations after the administration announced, threatened, canceled, and re-announced military action against Iran within a 72-hour window. The Department of War Declaration Management — a newly formed subagency — confirmed supplies are "not infinite." Pakistan's prime minister announced Friday that a deal had been reached. Iran said it had not. The US said it might have. A spokesperson said the situation was "dynamic."

The Great American State Fair — 16 days of patriotic celebration on the National Mall to mark America's 250th birthday — proudly opened Friday to a warm response from approximately some of the states. A growing list of state governments have opted not to participate in the event, citing scheduling conflicts, budget concerns, and, in some cases, a general philosophical reluctance. Planners remain confident that the remaining attendees will have a sufficient amount of fun for everyone. Bounce houses are still confirmed.

The FIFA World Cup officially opened Thursday night in the US with a Mexico–South Africa match that produced three red cards and an estimated zero American fans capable of explaining what happens after one is shown. The match ended with ten players, nine players, and then eight players on the field at various points, which observers described as "like the game, but with fewer guys." USA plays Paraguay on Saturday. Americans are ready. They have jerseys.